Why don't you eat that?

Growing up it was hard to be overweight. Any ounce of fluff or too much of a meal led to comments. Couldn't finish a meal? You would be forced to.You vomited? Oh well, go back and finish it. It's gross? Well that is all there is to eat. The list is endless.

As a teen it was easy to slip into disordered eating. As a runner I was always training. I would hardly eat and if I ate too much, to the bathroom I went. The bathing suits never fit right. My chest always got in the way; belly flab topped over my bikini bottoms no matter what I did. My thighs touched and rubbed together. I was not skinny. Curves were a nightmare. I needed to be skinny like the models. I had had surgery that ended my running career, so I had to be careful about my intake. I needed to eat better but the rule at home was that you ate what was put in front of you. So, laxatives were how I eliminated the food. Then I would secretly eat food until I got sick. It was a vicious circle.

When I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I was subjected to birth control that was harsh. I had been on it for years, but the changes messed with my body. I gained nearly 40 pounds in a few days. Yes, it was that much and that rapid. I worked at a health club, so I worked out at least three hours a day; before work, lunch, and after work. Breakfast was slim fast. Lunch was a salad. Dinner was whatever I could get my hands on. When I was in school, I would only eat healthy nachos (yes, they exist) and edamame. I also worked at a pizza parlor, so I ate a lot of pizza. I gained weight. Eventually I gave up caring about losing weight. I was going to enjoy my food, all of it.

The only time I lost weight was when I got sick from pregnancy. It didn’t last though. I still ate whatever I could find. A lot of times it was healthy food, fruit and vegetables but it didn’t stop me. I would stop at the store on my way to a destination and buy whatever looked good. I would make sure that I could eat it all before anyone could see that there was food. I would always make sure to throw away the garbage before I got home. I was ashamed of my eating, but I could not stop. At my “highest” I decided that I was going to, once again, become a vegetarian. For two years I only ate seafood when my iron was dropping, and I needed extra protein. I lost 20 pounds despite sneaking food. I was the worst vegetarian ever! I always had an excuse for why I ate something. I would eat until my stomach hurt. I could eat most of a large pizza by myself. A can of soup was nothing and I always needed more. My plates were full and there were times that I went back for seconds or thirds. I had no control and I didn’t care.

I yo-yoed dieted for years. If there was a diet out there, I had tried it. I lost 50 pounds only to gain it all back, and then some, because I stopped counting, watching, and caring. Food was my solace. My weight caused me to need a knee replacement. I was my doctors youngest knee replacement. It failed. The two manipulations failed. I can’t bend my knee to 90 degrees. I can’t walk stairs. I trip over throw rugs. My wake-up call was when I couldn’t buy clothes that fit. I realized that I needed to do something. I began working with my doctor on my diet. It doesn’t help how you eat if you eat enough for multiple people in one setting. I met with a gastric surgeon. I decided to have a gastric surgery to help me turn my life around. Now here is the part where a lot of people believe that have any type of gastric bypass surgery is taking the easy way out and that any person who gets the surgery is cheating to lose weight. It isn’t true.

The surgery is merely a tool to help with weight loss. It does not help with the food cravings or how people think about food. Gastric surgeries do not fix eating disorders. It does not eliminate cravings. My stomach was the size of a sharpie after surgery. It wasn't until last year when I completed a workout program that had an extremely detailed meal plan that all my demons were resurrected. I began struggling with food all over again. Originally I started with the restricted eating again but it wasn't long before it was larger portions and foods that I shouldn’t eat. Binges have become a daily thing. Every day eating what isn’t supposed to be eaten. There are times when it is weeks before a binge, times the binges only last for a day or a meal. The struggle is maintaining the good days.

It is important to know what cause the binges. Are they stress related? Boredom? Hormonal? Suffering for years I would eat when I was having relationship problems, work stress, midterms, finals, pregnancy, postpartum…you name it I found a reason for it. I even stopped throwing up, no matter how bad it hurt. I deserved to suffer. I deserved how I felt.

I cannot reiterate this enough. Surgery did not fix any of this. All the surgery did was give me a jumpstart on weight loss. I still have to work out and eat properly. I still have to fight my demons. I still battle my food addiction. That is all on me. Those are choices that I have to make daily. There is not a diet or surgery that can fix any of that.

If you believe that you have an eating disorder, please reach out to someone you trust and get a doctor’s help.